Letting Go & Moving Forward

These past two months have been filled not necessarily with an inner turmoil, or even a deep sadness, but a slow coming to terms with saying goodbye to old hopes and dreams and moving forward to new goals. Since the time I knew Todd was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with (and that was very early on in our dating timeline) and I knew I wanted to have kids, that number was always three. Three kids. A very different dynamic than the only childhood that was my experience growing up.

Todd happily agreed to two and while he said he was open to discussion for a third, I've always known he was really just humoring me. Todd was one of two kids and with us having both a boy and a girl, I know he was more than happy. He teases that I don't want him to ever retire when I talk about a third and when the kids are being misfits, he is quick to jump on the opportunity of my extreme frustration to ask "So you really want another?" But the farther we have moved from the stage of diapers combined with my increasing love for playing with fire and my decreasing motivation to get yelled at on a daily basis with my real job, my wants and desires have shifted.



Our kids are 4 and 6 years old now. We are well past the sleepless nights of feedings, diaper changes and sore boobs from nursing. I also miscarried once before getting pregnant with each of them and not sure I really want to go through that again. So now that I've gotten over the past, I'm beginning to look forward. Financially, we are moving into a much more comfortable position. Getting Owen out of daycare last year helped tremendously. Moving Chloe into the state funded Pre-K program this fall will be another bonus. I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be able to melt glass all morning/early afternoon and then be able to meet the kids at the bus stop to help them with homework and play the rest of the day. To not rush through making dinner to have enough time for baths & story time before throwing them in bed would be so wonderful. I wonder....what would it be like to not rush through every evening?



All of this has been going through my head over the past few months, but the decision to move forward with our two kids and no new additions felt really permanent when I gave my good friend Wendy the kids crib, all their bottles and other baby paraphernalia, as well as all of my maternity clothes that have been stored safely in the top of my closet. I was absolutely thrilled to be able to pass along so many things that I held close for so long, that have wonderfully good memories to someone that I care about and who's friendship I highly value. Much easier than hauling these things out to the driveway to sell to complete strangers in a yard sale or dropping off at Goodwill. But still difficult giving up old hopes & dreams to make way for the new.



And to add insult to injury, I am coming to the realization that I need reading glasses. I never had problems with seeing up close until I had lasik surgery two years ago. I wouldn't change that. Lord knows not a day has gone by that I don't give thanks for being able to see beyond my nose without glasses or contacts. But my near-vision has slowly deteriorate, but changed significantly within this past week. I go cross-eyed trying to focus clearly on what is right in front of me. Today, my lovely husband handed over a pair of his reading glasses to me and welcomed me to his world. Sigh.